Sunday, January 17, 2010

Reflections

OK got rid of all relationships that were bad and not going anywhere. Now as I look deeply inward, I really don't like what is looking back. Am a good decent man but I've got issues, I guess like everybody else. So what to do bout them.. As I look at the new body that stares back from mirror.  I look back at my eyes and see a faraway look. Many throw themselves to help, many believe in me yet I have this death wish, to self destruct.

I of course wish not to take anybody with me, but am not I doing it every time I "fall in love"? I see now how I glamorize and rationalize my way bout town. Bad form indeed Sir!  I'm a lucky dude if you look at my life in general and no need to write here to remind. My finest hours on Earth where when I conceived my kids with ex wife. I have beaten her at own game and yes I high five myself on these battles, but its time to move on as the ex-wife and I lost the war of love... long time ago.

I have invested so much effort into into getting laid that I lost myself in the pursuit of self gratification. The prettier the girl the bigger the payoff was landing in bed with her. Tonight as I looked deep at mirror I could see faces of all the women this year that I had touched but for whatever reason hadn't worked out. As I looked at them.  I began to see it as that movie when a terminator cyborg falls into a vat of molten metal and you see all the the faces he had assumed after murdering them.

Sure you can say hey man don't trip they were adults and knew what they where getting into. Yes true,but I'm a gentlemen and I should have put an innocents womans heart ahead of mine,. if not in the very least at equal footing as my ardent feelings.

After chilling with Vinny his girlfriend and Son. I left and about a block away and well, yea  I got pulled over by cops...sigh. Expired tags. They impounded car and basically told me pay in 24 hrs 150. else pay more in storage fees and get a bunch of fix it citations.  I was lucky to even get a choice. As I stand there watching my car get towed away and cops driving away and may God bless them too. I get a call from Vincents girlfriend.
She tells me I left my jacket behind well I tell her what happened. Few minutes later Vinny picked me up and gave me his pssat or whatever Volkswagen car.

When I got home I sat there at the edge of bed looking at myself in mirror. I had asked Vinny when he lent me his car keys, why? He had just lent me his laptop last week as my tower finally got toasted. I was like hey man you really don't know me so why would you and your people help me? Hell man I ain't Persian and shit. He replied cause right at this very second you can't even see how rich you can be and how much you will make us in the short term. He added you beat 2 consecutive people of California vs your self adsorbed self pitying ass , you just actually had your car impounded, but the cops didn't give you not even a ticket?

Told me to go home and think about it for a while and what I really wanted do with my life. Well for one I banish this heartbreak from my life. Look, dwell no longer for reassurances of past comforting hates or angers, nor look at unborn dreams in the future. I will focus only on the present, but more importantly I will make sure that whatever benefits me does same for those around me.

Yet as I would love to take the credit for my victory in court as Vincet put it. I t really was Sandys idea when we plossed through the Forrest. It was her idea that I get restraining order against my ex-wife for harassing me every other day on phone. It was that permanent Restraining order that saved my ass last week in Court. It was what the public defender used to wreck havoc on city attorneys case. Well it was quite a moment,but yet I knew that nothing would happen. Even Jenny laughed that night before arraignment in bed. Tickled me said I was some term in Japanese, meaning I always escape, may stumble and scrape my knees, but escape nevertheless.

I guess the story of my purpose would end there at some sort of self realization and go on and prosper. Yet christ sake man there has to be more than just getting more money and having stuff? Its not some selfish middle age crisis and about me. I ask myself how the FUCK WILL I HELP OTHERS as yea no shit man help myself too. Hell I ain't a Saint.

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